Steamers Hire Head Coach

GREENSBORO) In the midst of a dissappointing season and looking to shake things up, the Steamers have hired former Cleveland Indians and Tire World Manager, Lou Brown to be their new Head Coach. In the press conference announcing the hire, Brown was quoted saying,

"I'm not much for giving inspirational addresses, but I'd just like to point out that every newspaper in the country has picked us to finish last. The local press seems to think that we'd save everyone the time and trouble if we just went out and shot ourselves. Me, I'm for wasting sportswriters' time. So I figured we ought to hang around for a while and see if we can give 'em all a nice big shitburger to eat! "

Brown will be behind the bench this week when the Steamers face-off with the Black Knights - Thursday at 9.

Only One Way to Go

Greensboro) Four scores and 10 goals against, our team brought forth to the IceHouse, a new level of ineptitude, conceived in futility, and dedicated to the proposition that all of us are equally lousy....

On the bright side, at least Nate scored.

Riedlinger Suspended

GREENSBORO) The Steamers Hockey Club today announced that veteran Bob Riedlinger has been suspended 1 game (without pay) for "conduct detrimental to the team". His anti-American comments following Team USA's captivating run to Olympic Silver were cited as the main reason for his suspension. "As an American-based franchise, we will not tolerate such an arrogant display of anti-patriotism", said GM Dan Auston. "It's a slap in the face to our players, corporate sponsors, and most importantly the Steamer fans whom are primarily American (although are growing in number worldwide, especially in Southeast Asia due to the popularity of Chris Manzo)".

Further, it has been learned that Riedlinger (a Canadian) in an interview about the recent struggling play of the team, called out his Steamer teammates as "4th and 5th tier athletes". This is not the first incident involving Riedlinger. As a member of Team Pucktown (a now defunct B-League franchise), teammates described him as a "lockerroom cancer".

Per the suspension, Riedlinger will miss Wednesday's game versus the Blizzard. "We hope that he learns from this situation and comes back a better man", stated Auston.

Note: In Riedlinger's absence, The Steamers have signed TheFourthPeriod.com babe of the week (file photo below) to fill his vacant roster spot.

Steamers Hockey: One Goal

GREENSBORO) No, this isn't a lame effort by the Steamers organization to mimic the wildy successful "One Goal" marketing campaign of the Chicago Blackhawks - It simply is describing the Steamers offensive output of late. Last week's 9 goal outburst not withstanding, the Steamers have managed to score ONE GOAL (or less) in 3 of the last 4 weeks. This week was another ONE GOAL effort, a 5-1 loss to the Ice Holes. Kyle Blart scored the the Steamers lone goal as their season record fell back below .500 (2-3-0).

The Steamers came out flat in the first period, indicative of a team playing without their heart and soul, Chris Manzo. "I could tell it was going to be a strange night", declared beleaguered captain Dan Auston who played the game in glasses after leaving his contact lenses at home. "Between my vision and my lack of judgement shown in the pre-game dinner (jalapeno crab dip), I knew the game would be a struggle". Andrew Shackleford was also slowed by his pre-game meal choice (Beef Stroganoff).

The Steamers look to rebound as they return from the "West Coast Trip" (string of late games) for a 9 PM (EST) match-up with the Jaguars on Wednesday, Feb. 10.

For additional analysis of the contest, check-out Bryan Taylor's Ice Hole Blog

Steamers Light-Up the Knights

Greensboro) Mired in a goal drought of epic proportions (1 goal in 2 games), the Steamers offense bounced-back with a big effort in a 9-2 pasting of the Black Knights. With the win, the Steamers evened their season record at 2-2.

Bob "The Flamingo" Riedlinger had a career night, recording a hat trick....He added an assist to cap off a 4-point night...5 Different Steamers had at least 2 points on the night.

Next Up: The Ice Holes (2-1-1) - Wednesday, Feb. 3rd at 10:30 PM

Oh No, We Suck Again!

After opening the new Season with a 7-6 win over the Panthers, the Steamers were throttled 8-0 by the Penguins. After an 8-0 loss, there is nothing more to say.

13 Dudes, 1 Cup

In the anals of history people are going to be talking about three things: the discovery of fire, invention of the submarine, and the Steamers' 2009 Manley Cup Championship. In stunning sudden death fashion, the Steamers captured their first Cup in franchise history, a 2-1 OT victory over the Guns & Hoses. Nate Weeks netted the OT-winner.

The winning goal set off riots in the streets of Greensboro. Widespread power-outages and looting were also reported. Thankfully, no injuries were reported at press time.

Looting On Wendover Ave. Following Steamers Championship